Many people in some situations for some reason say “yes”, although the inner voice simply shouts “no, no!”. What are the reasons for this contradiction? How to get rid of it?
Reasons for not saying no
One of the main reasons for which you have to agree with the interlocutor lies in the character. As a rule, these are insecure people, often with heightened nervous irritability, who are overly worried about what other people say or think about them. And the most dishonest surrounding immediately begins to use it! Obviously, or with the help of various tricks, they begin to manipulate the weak-willed interlocutor, who, as a rule, has low self-esteem.
The most interesting thing is, that such weak people sometimes are glad that they can help someone with something! Since his dependence on the opinions of others is high, he is used to constantly adapting to the evolving circumstances. In the first place he always has the requests and desires of others, not his own. Therefore, in order to learn to say “no” correctly, it is first important to really want it. And for this it is necessary to clearly formulate your own life principles.
It is not always easy. For example, the habit of pleasing almost all strangers can take root in early childhood, when one of the parents suffers from one or another pernicious addiction - for example, alcoholism. They are in constant fear not to aggravate the situation even more. As they grow older, the habit is fixed and becomes the norm of behavior.
Excessively strict parents who prefer to act with pressure rather than patiently explaining even serious misconduct are also capable of turning an obedient child into a non-initiative performer who even in adulthood cannot learn to say no even in obviously life situations unfavorable to him.
If you really want to learn how to say no, you should analyze your past and try to understand what is the reason for such feature of character. And after understanding it, formulate your own scale of values. If it in no way hurts the interests of others, it has the right to exist.
On the other hand, for some, the inability to say “no” lies in the wrongly built system of values. So in this case, the reason for not wanting to refuse is not at all a difficult childhood or improper upbringing. And the fact that this person voluntarily takes on the role of a "glorious" guy or girl who can never stop performing. And if this is the case, it is important to understand as soon as possible that it is always impossible for everyone to be “good”. Otherwise, you will have to constantly do something to the detriment of your own principles. That is, again, to play not by their own, but by someone else's rules.
Of course, some time you can do so. For example, careerists often resort to this technique. But constantly pretending just annoys. And sooner or later the contradiction will require resolution.
Three simple techniques to learn how to say "no" and not spoil the relationship.
Once you have understood the reasons for your yes regarding the requests of others or have thrown off the mask of a "nice" guy or girl, have developed your own system of principles with which you should not in any way contradict the requests of others, you should start practicing refusals.
"I do not want"
The most effective way to say no is to learn to say I don’t want to. Because this is your desire, that is, in this case - unwillingness. In this form of refusal, the interlocutor may not even be interested in its cause, since your reluctance is already voiced.
If the question "why?" sounds, it is necessary to name one - two compelling reasons. The more reasons, the more they begin to look like excuses. Which leads to the feeling of your guilt, which, as you know, is the basis of many manipulative techniques.
Moreover, in the case of giving too many reasons for refusal, they begin to weaken each other. Your interlocutor will definitely feel it. As a result, he may want to enter into a discussion in order to prove the opposite.
Changing the topic of conversation
Another way to learn how to say "no" is based on changing the topic of conversation. Understandably, in the circle of people whom you have known for many years to constantly use this technique, it does not work out. Otherwise, you can earn the reputation of "slippery" guy or girl. But in the case of unfamiliar people who for some reason decided to use you, this technique works.
As soon as you understand what the interlocutor wants, you can try to change the topic of conversation neatly. Switch the attention of the interlocutor to something else, offer him tea.
Another effective method of saying “no” and not spoiling relations is to learn how to “turn over” the situation so that the “customer” himself refuses from you as a performer.
For example, you are asked to print the text of a term paper or a thesis for a child of your colleague. It is inconvenient to refuse, but you don't want to do it. We "turn over" the situation and say: "I can print, but not earlier than in a month and a half. Because it is necessary to prepare a report, a compendium, a register, and so on and so forth." You do not refuse! You say: "I can!". But this term is no longer satisfied with the “customer” and therefore the refusal goes from him: “No, a month and a half is too long for me.”
Thus, the “no” sounded, but there was no reason to spoil the relationship.